The spiraling world of fantasies on the different possibilities from the past
Step 1: Take a situation from the past.
Step 2: Fantasize it with a "What If" condition.
Step 3: Frame the alternate decisions and their possible outcomes.
Step 4: Relish and enjoy the moment!
We have all been there and done that. I have caught myself doing this multiple times, almost every waking day of my life.
And then the dreams I get give me an unwanted motivation to carry on with such spiraling on another brand new day.
So why do we keep doing this?
It may have myriad reasons, but I think all of these can be squeezed into the following two:
Regrets (things that could have been different with our intervention)
Things outside of our control
1. The Infamous World of Regrets
A few months ago, a book on regrets was making rounds on the internet. I saw newspaper articles written about it, people made short videos (reels, if you are nasty!) referencing it, connecting it with different aspects of their lives.
The book is "The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying," written by a nurse sharing her experiences on the life lessons she learned dealing with terminally ill patients on their deathbeds.
I have always been fascinated with reading and knowing about how it feels when you have lived long enough. Getting to know the stories of older people, their hardships, and their lives in general. Moreover, how I could thrive upon their learnings in living a slightly better version of my life.
The book highlighted the aspect of how one's life becomes over-flooded with regrets.
With every year, there is more and more accumulation of regrets.
And you do not have to be "old" to have regrets. Even at my age, I feel I already have too many of them!
Regret of not being bold enough to make the tough choices that I should've made.
The regret of staying in a comfort zone for too long.
The regret of staying at a job I never enjoyed.
The regret of not standing up for myself.
The regret of not making enough efforts for the things I wanted to do or get into.
I could go on and on.
2. Things Falling Outside of Our Control
One thing I wished for ever since I was a kid was to see my father recover from his paralysis (I have written about his health here).
I only got a couple of years in my childhood where he took me on bike rides and played ball with me. All the latter years passed by, with him dealing with paralysis.
When I was a kid, I remember someone asking me my one wish that I wanted to the true. While others took time on their turns, somehow my instant answer was: "I want to see my baba walk and be healthy like a normal person".
And this is my favorite "What if?" fantasy ever since.
What if Baba would have been able to live his life independently?
My whole world would have been different than what it is now. And it is not that I regret my current life - I am grateful for this one anyway.
But every aspect of it would have been different. Right from my childhood memories to probably where I am living right now.
And like I said, this is one of the things that was outside anyone's control - which strongly directed my childhood.
What could be a few other situations, which you have no direct control over?
Health conditions of your family members (and even yours at some point).
The decisions taken by others for you during your childhood (parenting, your schools and teachers)
Traumatic incidences
Your milieu (your social environment as you were growing up)
Pondering over regrets and the things falling outside of my control has made me realize they are interconnected, except for the following obvious differences:
Regrets are something I can act upon so that I do not have repeat those in the future.
Things falling outside of my control need to be accepted and let go of - sooner the better.
Fantasizing about the "What if?" opens up our imaginations and gives us fun for a shorter run (what if I could read people's minds, or time-travel?!).
But mulling over not so funny "what ifs" and when overdone, it may start impacting our lives (sleep deprivation from my personal experience).
Try This
Feeling stuck? Act upon it.
Not enjoying the work you are into? Experiment to understand what you like and if you see yourself in that field for a longer run.
Want to change the city? Do it. We are not trees to be glued to one place.
Most importantly, it is about understanding the difference between things that you can change and the things that you cannot.
The prior needs be acted upon, and the latter needs to be accepted.
Sharing a prayer I recite before going to be bed - I hope this helps.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Very nice. Reminded of my poem posted long long time back: https://muktaaa.blogspot.com/2007/06/what-if-i.html