My personal journey of loss, grief, and ultimately, healing. Navigating the grieving process was incredibly challenging. However, amidst the condolences and shared memories, there was one conversation that stood out which shifted my perspective on condolences entirely.
This is not a sad story, where it brings you to pity or sympathise me for my loss. I strongly feel the need of sharing my experience after losing my parents in a span of 3 years, the conversations that followed next and how it focused more on their grief and loss, than mine or my well being.
Also, every grief is different on every level, and this is my personal story.
Back story
I lost my father on 14th July, 2020. It was a peaceful death, and it happened swiftly within a few minutes at home, in front of our eyes. (more on my father's health background here)
My aai was then free from the stress of my baba's health. It was her liberation from his health related anxieties. But before she could enjoy some freedom, her cancer got escalated. (more on her health here)
She faced a painful death on 25th jan 2024, after suffering dearly for 10 days on a hospital bed.
What followed next
My family met a lot of people during that time – relatives, friends, and even my parents' acquaintances. Many of my own friends came too, and those who couldn't make it reached out through calls or texts.
Honestly, it started to feel exhausting having to retell the story of what happened over and over again. It was like reliving a dark movie script.
But amidst it all, people shared their memories of my parents – some from childhood, some from my baba's work days, and others more recent.
It was comforting to see people expressing their emotions for my parents and sharing their fond thoughts with us.
The conversation patterns
I started noticing a pattern in the conversations I had with visitors who came to offer condolences.
It seemed unintentional, but the focus was mostly on my parents – their lives, their character, and how much they were missed. I could relate to the stories and memories shared, as I'd spent my life with them.
But by the end of these talks, there was always a sense of pity for my brother and me, for losing our parents at our comparatively younger ages.
People offered advices and urged us to stay in touch, which I found exhausting.
I needed some peace of mind, and not some piece of advice.
The state of my mind
It's been tough processing the loss of my baba first, and then aai – and honestly, I'm still working through it.
When she passed away, it hit me hard that I no longer had parents, shredding my mind into a turmoil.
I realized I'd spent so much time and energy focused on their health that I didn't think much about how it was affecting me.
Now, with them gone, memories of hospital visits and caring for them keep coming back to me, like they are tucked in some corner of my mind.
The hospital visits, time spent in those dull corridors, all the hospital chatter falling onto my ears, the rush of bringing them meds - all and more of this keeps coming back to me.
For over 15 years, my life revolved around looking after them. It gave me a sense of purpose, but now I'm left wondering what comes next. I have my daughter and my own family to care for, but without my parents, there's a big void in my life.
On one hand, there's relief from the stress of their well-being.
But on the other hand, I have all this free time now, which I am still figuring out how to fill it.
That one conversation
I got a call from one of parent's friends about them visiting us on a Sunday morning. I instantly knew some sort of free advice was on my way.
I was not at all in a mood to meet anyone that sunday morning, but I obliged as it was not about me.
The conversation started in a typical way of me narrating (yet again) how everything happened, and then they sharing some of their memories of my parents. I had lost interest in the conversation by then.
It is then the aunty asked,
"How are you? And how are you processing all this?"
It caught me off guard because no one had asked about my feelings before.
I wasn't prepared, so I just said, "I'm fine."
She then shared her own experience of grieving for her parents and how she thinks of them every day. She said everyone deals with grief differently and that we should focus on the good memories and lessons from our parents.
The uncle was quiet as usual and kept nodding intermittently.
They left soon after.
Parting thoughts
We often find ourselves missing the person who's passed away, getting lost in memories of them. That's completely natural.
But it was the particular conversation that made me realize something important:
Focusing more on the people left behind can really help them in their grieving process.
After all, the ones who've passed away have moved on, likely to a better place. It's those of us still here who are grappling with the sorrow.
Isn't that the point of a condolence?
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Dear Bharat,
Sorry for your loss and I pray good life for you and your family.
While the world is busy with artificial intelligence and other sort of future advancement, people like you dedicate time to reconnect with roots even in this age and this is more cherishing. Keep writing!
Beautiful message, beautifully penned. ❤️
There is so much to learn from others behaviour and ways of striking conversations
Beautifully expressed in words. can completely relate to this.