Striking a conversation through questions
(You can also listen to this blog on YouTube below)
I have an attya (father’s sister is called attya in Marathi), the talkative kind. Whenever I meet her, I get bombarded with questions. Questions of all sorts. About my family, my job, my office and what not.
We have an inside joke in the family about her. Whenever she meets anyone, we ask how was the Q&A round or how did the interview go and was there a rapid fire round too?
The joke has carried over for a few years now. But at one point it made me think about something. The unique ability that she has - the knack of asking questions in a conversation.
Asking questions in a conversation is an art.
The more I thought about the way how my attya frames her questions, the more I have settled on this fact - a conversation is only as good as the questions being asked.
Think about it.
You are asking questions which means you are helping the other person to open their mind. You are curious to know more. You are a listener. And these questions often lead to some interesting topics.
Questions also put the focus on the other person. Makes them feel valued.
Of course being valued also depends on your listening skills. Because a conversation having random and non-related questions may indeed feel like a pointless interview - which brings me to the next point.
Asking connected questions is a superpower.
I have a close friend of mine. From meeting every single day back in college days, the meetings now do not happen for months.
The last time we met was 6 months back, where I had shared how I was moved to a new project at work and how the project was sucking away my mental peace. Now some typical work situation seems inconsequential for any other person. People have their own shit to deal with, right?
We met at the bar and started catching up. After a while, he popped the question.
“Hey, how is your new project at work going? Is it any better now?”
Let me tell you this, the project is no better than the last time. But what amazed me that someone actually remembered about it and asked me further.
"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."
I have another friend, who articulates her questions in a way that surprises me all the time. She not only remembers the previous conversations we have had, but also connects different situations shared with her earlier and frames her follow-up questions.
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The common thread in these two stories is the magic of connected questions. They have a charm. They have an element of delight.
Connected questions value a person. It makes them feel that the other person is listening. And not just listening, the person actually remembers your response from last time and asks you further.
Connected questions highlight the strive for empathy. You are putting yourself in the other person's shoes, empathising with their situation. Questions help in maintaining the momentum of a conversation.
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The need to be heard
There is an immense need for everyone to be heard. People want to share things that may have toiled up their minds. And it brings calmness and satisfaction when one gets heard.
I have been grateful to have such people in my life, who were there at the moments, listening to what I wanted to share and asking me those connected questions.
Over a period of time, I have been at both the sides of the table. The one where I need to share something, and also on the other side where I was there - listening. And though sharing a thing takes the pressure off my mind, there is a greater content when I am listening.
Try this
Next time you are in a conversation, try the following -
1) Ask a question of value
2) Listen
3) Comprehend
4) Ask a connected question
I am an introvert by nature. And I am not an expert at making great conversations. But we learn things through experiences and this is something worth trying.
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