The brutal realisation of the importance of time, while I was waiting for the time to pass.
I was sitting beside my loved one at the hospital. This was not the first time we have been there.
Still, this is not something to get used to - visiting a hospital or spending time at a hospital.
And while getting good treatment and feeling better was always the goal, but hospitals have a repulsive personality (no offense to the super amazing folks who work at the hospitals).
No matter how posh the ceilings and the rooms are, or how ambient the lights are, one always dreads to get back home. So the only question I (and the one getting treated) had was - when are we getting discharged?
Each drop of the IV determining the amount of time you have to wait - drop by drop.
Just like a ticking clock. The drops - having a total control over my time, my patience and eventually my misery.
I have had my unfortunate share of hospital visits. And many of these involved a stay for multiple days.
Luckily these visits were only a seldom times for myself. But I have had to be there in those times, wandering around the wards, where life either was happening or collapsing around.
The waiting game
Amidst the fights for life, struggles, pains, traumas, painkillers, scans, wiggling reports, chaos, assurances, and insurances happening all around within those hospital walls, there is one another crucial component - the WAIT.
The wait to get the admission done.
The wait to start the medication.
The wait to hear next from the doctor.
The wait to get healed.
The wait...the wait...the wait..
All the wait eventually is to head back home. Waiting to get discharged and be back home.
With each visit, I started to realise I need to do something about the time I had at hand.
There is so much time to kill (no pun intended!).
Apart from things that kept me occupied at the hospital and office work (a true epitome of "remote work") on some days, I still had a mind that needed to be distracted.
Distraction from the stress, anxiety and overall boredom, and something towards less serious stuff - some “entertainment”.
Some of these distractions involved:
Observing patients and their relatives
Observing the hospital staff
Observing my own family in different situations
Reading a book
Playing mobile games
Watching movies
Listening to music/podcasts
Moment of enlightment
During one such dull hospital afternoon, I was reading The Last Lecture by Randy Paush.
This is one of my favourite goto books, when my life feels mundane and boring.
It is a book about a college professor's final message to the world as he is battling terminal cancer at a relatively young age. He offers meaningful life advice, significant words of wisdom, and a great deal of optimism and a message of hope.
My favourite line from the book is this:
Time is all you have and you may find one day that you have less than you think.
And this line hit me like a bag of sand that dull afternoon. I was not reading it for the first time. But I think it was more because of the premises.
Of all the suffering and pain of the hospitals mentioned above, I came to the realisation that everything happening around me that day is so closely connected to time.
I was immediately drawn to the times when I have been disrespectful to the time I once had. My education phase, or my early twenties. Living my life passively.
Thinking about those moments also made me realise that I did not even enjoy some of the moments. I was just hanging in there, unmindful of who I am with, doing things at my own discomfort.
I was involved in activities that I did not have belief in, or places I had no interest to visit, or conversations I had nothing to contribute to (due to lack of interest). This was becoming my list of should nots.
I was doing those things because I thought there is no way out. Or I wasn't even realising that those were the dull moments (talk about living life passively!)
Once you realise something is limited, you start valuing that thing.
Or maybe, I thought I will always have better time later to compensate for the lost time now.
Sitting at the hospital, I came to a conclusion that there is only a fine line between a later and a never. Or is there not?
Life is unpredictable, and I was seeing it around me.
The should not have done list kept getting bigger, and so did my my regrets. My life has been fun and fulfilling too, but the constraint of time gave me a perspective of staying away from the coping mechanism.
Parting thoughts
Here is my list of "Do nots" which I could generalise from my list of "should nots":
1) Do not continue reading a book if you are not getting hooked to it. Doesn’t matter if it was an international bestseller. (Read something that appeals to you, that generates an interest.)
2) Do not watch a movie or a series just because everyone is watching it. (It's okay if people are talking about the trending movie or series and you have nothing to contribute to!)
3) Do not be with someone where you do not feel included. Friends, family etc
4) Do not do things that are against your values or beliefs - and if you only are doing them to please people. (Religion, politics etc)
Time is a precious asset. Use it wisely. Do things that make you live in the moment. Be at a place where you feel alive.
And though finding a purpose is a much bigger quest, we can at least begin by being mindful of our time.
References
(There could be more, but these are some of the books/movies/talks that helped me.)
Books
Movies
Before sunrise (and all its sequels)
Documentaries/ TED talks/Interviews
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Beautiful Read!