5 lessons from my first year of being a parent

one fine sunset in Kerala

It has only been 15 months I have been holding my daughter, but there has been no other feeling closer to this one. Nothing I have ever done in the past has given me more joy as playing with my daughter, or seeing her giggle when I am being notorious with her.

Moreover, being a parent has shaped me to become a better human - a better father, a better husband, a better son.

By not claiming any expertise in parenting, here are a few basic lessons I learnt - that I feel the urge to share with new parents, and with people who have been parents for a while, and of course with the would-be parents.

Lesson One: Brace yourselves for advices and instructions

As soon as we became parents, an invisible bag full of instructions opened up. Every day, a new instruction. Most of the times from people unknown or whom we did not know personally.

We started taking our daughter out on strolls closer to her completion of 3rd month. There is a farm near-by which has cattle, chickens playing around and a ton of fresh air. But some folks from the earlier generation we met had more concerns that we, as her parents, could ever have. And hence followed the instructions:

"You shouldn't have taken her out at such tiny age"

"Support her neck properly" (while we were taking turns holding her)

"You should have put up full-sleeves" (on a humid evening?!)

"You should have put a cap and socks, its windy in the evenings"(how about you try it!)

The instructions might have been coming from a genuine guidance perspective. But they were repetitive and unnecessary.

Most of the times it felt they were coming from a view where they, as parents couldn't do or did not do a few things which they were seeing us do as parents.

Parenting is an experience, and we should let the parents experiment with finding a more suitable way for themselves to enable the upbringing.

And honestly, following instructions to do a thing in a certain way kills the purpose of having the first-hand experience and learning. Be it parenting, or any other thing in general.

My takeaways:

1. There is no point in giving explanations on why, you as a parent, are doing things in a particular way.

2. You can deal with every instruction by giving an explanation. But the instructions are too many to deal with every single day - and they suck the energy out of you. Listen, nod and keep doing what you feel right.

Lesson Two: Be ready to pay the sleep tax

You will never get to sleep, or rest when you need one. And the sooner you make peace with it the better.

I came across this piece where just like we pay tax to the government on our income, we do pay tax for everything in your life.

Every pleasure has a tax associated with it.

When on a vacation, dealing with annoying co-passengers or tourists is the tax you pay.

When utilising the facilities of a city life, traffic and commotion is the tax you pay.

When you start the family, you pay the sleep tax.

My takeaway:

1. Accepting the fact that I may be unable to rest or nap the way I did before becoming a parent has saved me a bit from spiralling about sleep!

Lesson Three: The controlling mindset

Reflecting on my childhood and schooling, I always feel someone was trying to control me in every phase of my life. Less guidance, and more of a control.

I remember getting lesser marks in history, because I used to frame the answers in my own way which were not as per the textbook.

Not critiquing my parents here, because they did their best what they could which I am grateful for.

But somehow all this controlling has hampered my ability to make independent decisions. Thankfully, I realised this in my early twenties and have been working on it since then.

My takeaway:

1. Good parenting is not when your kid is in your control.

2. More than "She listens to us", I would love to be at a place where she says "My parents listen to me" when she grows up (from an understanding perspective)

Lesson Four: Been there done that

I remember my first ever trip to Goa. No matter how many times I have had vacations in goa after that, I vividly remember and miss this first experience.

After returning, I was sharing all of the stories with a friend who had been to goa couple of times before. To every of my experience, he had this been there done that sort of a response. This just killed my enthusiasm and my will to share anything further.

Same happened when I used to share the stories of handling my toddler with other parents who had crossed that phase. I know it's the same shit (I mean the diaper changing and spilling!), but I needed more of a listening ear than the been there... top-up.

My takeaways:

1. LISTEN and listen more

   1. New parents are sleep deprived and usually are freaking out about many things. All they need is someone to listen to them.

   2. It's mostly about the common problems of pooping, not pooping, vomiting, diaper blunders or how they haven't slept from past couple of nights.

   3. Do not be an enthusiasm killer, by topping it up with your experience (we can apply this in general!)
      

Lesson Five: Comparisons and peer pressure

A guide to toddler developmental milestones help, and it assists to keep a track of whats coming next. But some delay in a milestone creates pressure on the parents.

"Does my child need any special help?"

"Is my child lagging behind?"

My daughter did not get her first tooth until 14th month. And she has just started to stand on her own.

Quite some delay - according to the common developmental milestones!

Some kids ticked off these milestones much earlier than my daughter.

A building wale uncle suggested me to get her a walker and assist her with walking. Because his grand-daughter started running in the 11th month.

Our son started walking in 8th month!

Our daughter started talking in 12th month!

Our son can recite the entire Geeta by 3 years!

All good - for you and them. Any milestone for some other kid should not be a pressure erupting point which you need to put on your child too.

My takeaway:

1. Observing and understanding what her needs are have helped me to assist her in development more. She's doing every thing herself in terms of making those efforts, and all she needs is my support.

2. Most of the things with kids and in general are portrayed as a competition these days - do not fall for this crap!

Instructions and advices are never ending. And so does are comparisons (from others).

We just need to build a bigger resistance energy every single day if we want some peace in our lives.

And most importantly, filter out the noise from building wale uncles and aunties. Because they seem to have an opinion and advice on everything you do (as a parent), but not everything is needed to be absorbed or responded to!

Remember:

Happy parenting!

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